Explosion - that moment when everything shatters

In that moment when the glass shatters, your world just stops.

I remember feeling sick; feeling angry and feeling terrified. 

Confusion is an understatement. 

As they sit in front of you, you no longer recognise their face. As far as you know they are an alien that has torn your heart into pieces. 

There can be a reason; but trust me knowing the reason doesn't make it any easier to swallow. 

When they leave; if you haven't already; you breakdown. 

I don't think I have ever cried as much as I did. And I sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't even stand.

I have cried a lot at death but death is very final, and I at least have always been able to pick myself up after death. But at this moment that my heart literally broke - the pain was so real I thought I had been stabbed. 

The initial few hours felt like days themselves. I am pretty sure I cried myself to sleep.... 

Considering I am looking back at this moment over a year and a half later, forgive me if my memories are hazy of those first few hours. I have summarised them into these sentences and I think my head is saving me from reliving it over and over again, which is a blessing. 

Did I know it was coming? Earlier on that week I had a feeling and I am pretty sure I knew what was coming - something inside of me just didn't feel right any more. My first piece of advice is if you feel something act on it - trust yourself. 

Could I have prevented my heart break? No. I was in love and you see the world through rose tinted glasses, I didn't think it would happen. 

Will I ignore my head again? No. But this pain taught me a lot about myself, including that I should trust my instincts and that I maybe psychic. I can't say I recommend it but it is a good thing to learn and how you come out the other side is more important but I guess that's why I am writing these posts.

If you understand me at all then I am very sorry...but we are not alone.

The next day (this event happening on a Monday) I got up, got dressed and went to college, don't ask me how - you'll have to wait until the next post. 

Luv,

Amber xx

The Relationship Bomb: The Break and the Aftermath - A Series...

Dear Readers,

I started this blog a few years ago in order to impart some advice that my friend at the time told me was blog worthy. It was relationship advice, and at the time, I was talking as an external observer; to put it simply; I was and always had been...single. 

The caveat to this was that I had actually been in love; that good'old unrequinted kind that repeatedly kicks you in the heart until you can move on; which is hard when you only move on from your own feelings and not someone else's betrayal of them. Maybe I will write my next post after these about it. 

Anyway I digress; this post is heartbreak 101 from the initial bomb drop on your life as you know it to the place where at least I am now the 18 months on stage.

I will stop where I am now as I no longer consider myself broken - I had my heart  broken yes but I feel like I have recovered now; and this post is my manual which at least I followed and what I did to mend my heart and I hope it will be helpful to you all.

A note to my readers who haven't had a relationship heartbreak; the stages of losing a partner are very similar to the stages of grief over a loved one I have found so they may help you too; also if you ever have to break up with someone this may also affect your heart too and I guess you can see it from the other side - this is not meant to make anyone feel bad however; relationships do have to end no matter what sometimes; but I will come to that in a later post.

This post will form the overview of the next few posts and unfortunately I can't give you a regular schedule as these need to come from my heart at the moment they do; I want them to be as honest as I can be. But I hope you stick around and I see you soon.

Love as always,

Amber x

I'm a human being...

I make mistakes like anyone, I embarrass myself and then in trying to style out the embarrassment probably embarrass myself some more, I get sad, I fall in love, I make friends and one day I hope I will make a family. 

I probably need to get used to this soon. 

Recently I have found myself worrying a lot about things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I don't know everything and when you are out of your comfort zone then by it's nature you don't know what your doing and you are just learning as you go along. 

I am perfectly imperfect. 

My cat, Woozle, is sitting on my lap as I write this and she is the definition of someone who just owns who she is. She seriously doesn't care if she doesn't quite make the jump onto the coffee table, or can't catch a bird, and the only time she is stressed is when she is without food for more than 2 minutes. I would love to be more like her, and I am trying. 

I'm not sure if it is teenage anxiety that has just caught up with me now, or if it's just something else I have to deal with for the moment, but I hope to get to the place where I can just turn the worry off and turn the "I don't give a shit" dial up instead (my mums phrase, she's awesome) I know I will of made it. 

I'm getting there slowly I think. New territories still leave me on shakey ground sometimes; but little by little I'm on my way. 

And who can not be happy when they get to look at this face every morning:

Lots of love guys and girls, I hope you are all well,

Amber x

Being brave and making choices that you never thought you would...

Hello all,

I got told that I made the brave choice by not going to university when I left college a year ago, but I hadn't thought I was particularly brave, I thought I was scared, messed up by a few years that had been too hard and I felt lucky to be standing when it was all over, not really the traditional description of brave.

And I had no clue what to do, I still make it up as I go along - fake it till you make it has never been a truer phrase. But somewhere in between the faking it, I started making it. My confidence has come on leaps and bounds, and I am better than I was before. But I am still not there and I think it will take a few more "brave" decisions before I do.

You are not the sum of all the bad decisions you make - that was what my mum told me when I was feeling embarrassed. She is right, you are a constant improvement on the version of you that came before but no one will hold you to your mistakes, you grow and you learn and everyone will forgive. If we all walked out of the womb perfect then we would live in a strange dystopian novel.

So sometimes it is good to make decisions you never thought you would; I was sure I was going to be at Cambridge studying Natural Sciences, I was going to be President of the USA, I was going to be married to Justin Timberlake (don't worry Jessica he's all yours), I never thought I would volunteer for a year, get the urge to travel, enjoy eating kale (I know) and like blow drying all 100 feet of my hair. The good thing about decisions you make is that they change you yes, but even when they give you what feels like a bad thing, in time it is because you weren't supposed to be that way, and that is how life tells you to divert off that path a bit.

The great thing about making your own choices is the only person you answer to is you. I said no to the teachers who told me I had to go to uni to make my life, and if I am wrong well then that is all on me. This week lots of people got their A Level results and I hope you all did well and are on your way to your own lives - wherever that may be, just please make yourself happy. Don't feel like you have to have it all planned out at the age of 18. Life changes and you will too.

If you take nothing away from this rambly blog of someone who is still learning every day then take this, be bold in your choices, be confident in yourself and if it all goes wrong then it just wasn't supposed to be. Do you, and own who you are. (and I think I need to take my own advice more).

Lots of love,

Amber x

Thank you parents...reflecting on 19 years of life...

Dear Mum and Dad,

I have been alive for 19 years as of yesterday and I want to thank you for giving me the best 19 years I could ask for.

I haven't just been living for 19 years, I've grown, developed, formed into my very own person, went through trials of being young and now a young adult (an oxymoron I think) and will continue to be alive for as long as possible. 

I want to thank you for protecting me from harm, giving the space to grow and find myself and support me when I thought the world was against me. 

You are my constant rock and I love you and our fluff ball with all my heart. And when yesterday I was getting all the well wishes all I wanted to do was thank you for getting me here.

So thank you again - love you xxx

And so I made it to 19, wow, I wonder what the next year will bring. 

I am also pleased to announce that I have gone through 19 birthdays without bad weather! Which I think is a triumph even if a few were touch and go in the mornings! 

Happy birthday fellow July babies! Best wishes to you all! 

Speak soon guys,

Amber xx

"Have courage and be kind": Why Cinderella is more than a damsel in distress...

Hi all,

With live action fairy tales being announced one after another this year, it seems that Disney-mania has sparked all over again. The geniuses of story telling are always finding new ways to draw us into the fairy tale world that some of us never want to leave, from the animated movies of Cars and Finding Nemo, to the musical creations of Frozen and Tangled.
But the new live action Cinderella hit a nerve with some people who claim the story is more about how women are passive and quiet until they are saved by a man, and this is hardly a good idol for young girls. And it is to those thinkers that I want to write this blog, because for me Cinderella has always been my princess and these are the reasons why:  

1. She had to marry a man to make her life change, how old fashioned of her. Well, look at the time her story was written in. When Grimm and Anderson wrote their tales women were very much defied by their status below men. You had to marry to be free of your family or live a life alone. So yes she has to marry a prince but that doesn't make her have less worth, it just means she has to go a different way about it than we do now. Just because this is how she had to do it then doesn't make it a blueprint for life, it just shows that you should try find happiness and be free of upset and pain. 
2. But she just sticks around and gets badly treated, she seems to suggest this is an ok way of life? To that regard I say this; Honestly have you never done anything for someone you love that leaves you worse off than before? Cinderella makes a promise to her father and wanted to make her family work even though they were ungrateful and unkind. She is loyal in the face of adversity but when she reaches her breaking point she leaves. I think in that regard she is possibly the most human of all of the princesses, and shows that she is not an unbreakable saint, she has a limit and when they push her over it, she leaves.
3. And we all don't have fairy-godmothers who help us in our times of need? No we don't, but some people have faith which guides them, some have the stars and astrology, and some make decisions based on a flip of a coin; all Cinderella's fairy-godmother does is facilitate her decision to go to the ball (admittedly by using magic but that doesn't make it any less valid) and it teaches that having a little bit of belief in anything, even if you just believe you can do anything you want, it is both important and worthwhile to do so. 
4. So in this magical world where mice turn to men and glass slippers are comfy; we are supposed to believe that there is a message we can live by in this movie? Yes you are. The message is the thing that Cinderella herself lives by and that is "To have courage and be kind". You don't have to serve, marry or wish on anyone to be able to do that. And at the end of the day, if you can have courage to do scary things and be kind to everyone you meet, then you will probably achieve your goals or dreams - label them as you wish. 

So the blonde, blue eyed, beauty in the pretty dress is not relatable to most people, but the message transcends cultures and lives, and that is the power of fairy-tales and Disney. If you disagree then let me know in the comments - but please be kind, this is a space for discussion not hate.

And also I love the pretty dress and the handsome prince - because a girl can dream! (Although I would hark back to the old Cinderella and if I had a choice my dress would be pink)

Hope you are all well, 

Lots of Love, 

Amber xx

Waking up...

Dear Aphrodite, 

This morning I woke up at 6:30am - early for even the most well slept individual I think, and I had six and a half hours sleep , so I am not the most rested I could ever be. However there is a nack with waking up I've found so I thought I would share it. 

1. If you need a soundtrack to wake up - don't set it as your alarm tone, it will make you hate it. Also if you listen to the same song over and over, again you'll just end up hating it. To battle this I have my default alarm (which yes I hate) but then after I had opened my eyes and sat up I started listening to the Mood Booster playlist on Spotify, which this morning played Wake Me Up by Avicii - basically the best song for this morning as it was upbeat and said all the right things. 

I think playlists which randomly shuffle of all the songs that could lift your mood (or just wake you up) mean that you don't listen to the same song constantly so your brain shouldn't negatively link it to waking up early but still cheer you up (only at least from personal experience - I have no science to this thinking). 

2. Eat. And have a drink - you need it. When I wake up I feel empty most of the time - but the kitchen is downstairs and it forces me to get up. Even if by the time I get into work the food has evaporated and I have to eat a banana at my desk, I feel more ready to take on the day with some food inside me.

And I can't really function without a cup of tea in the morning (I wish I could drink coffee but I can't) but if I can't have tea, water is a good alternative especially with lemon in to make it zingy! It just leaves you all hydrated and ready to set off for the day - or preps your voice to sing in the shower if that's your thing (yes I do that it's great!).

3. Give yourself plenty of time to get ready to be early. This is a tricky one. If you have to leave the house at 8 and it takes you an hour and a half to get ready - wake up at 6. That way if you have to fight for the bathroom, your outfit doesn't look the way you wanted, or you have a disaster with your hair or makeup; you have a spare thirty minutes to fix it. 

I am really bad at this, but I do find it makes me more calm as I know if I have no energy to get ready fast then I can take my time (to some extent). Mornings are so much better if you don't have to rush - and that extra time can come in handy if you have something to do that you don't want to do when you get in. 

4. Pack your bag the night before. It just helps. Or if you don't know what you are wearing so haven't thought if your bag will go (I do worry about this) at least if you have all the stuff to go in it ready then you can just chuck it in when you do know what you are wearing. 

5. Most importantly: SMILE! It makes you feel better, it makes everyone else feel better. 

I commute so I understand that some mornings are more trying than others - and I do have a good rant from time to time, it's healthy I think, but at some point you have to just draw a line and have a good day, and a simple smile can help that. You can even accompany it with a upbeat mantra which you recite to yourself - mine is "Today is going to be a good day" - which is simple and to the point, also works wonders on your outlook on life. 

So that's it my tips for waking up and having a lovely morning. 

"It's a beautiful day" - Michael Buble

Have a super day readers! 

Lots of love,

Amber xx