Sunday 18 October 2015

Explosion - that moment when everything shatters

In that moment when the glass shatters, your world just stops.

I remember feeling sick; feeling angry and feeling terrified. 

Confusion is an understatement. 

As they sit in front of you, you no longer recognise their face. As far as you know they are an alien that has torn your heart into pieces. 

There can be a reason; but trust me knowing the reason doesn't make it any easier to swallow. 

When they leave; if you haven't already; you breakdown. 

I don't think I have ever cried as much as I did. And I sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't even stand.

I have cried a lot at death but death is very final, and I at least have always been able to pick myself up after death. But at this moment that my heart literally broke - the pain was so real I thought I had been stabbed. 

The initial few hours felt like days themselves. I am pretty sure I cried myself to sleep.... 

Considering I am looking back at this moment over a year and a half later, forgive me if my memories are hazy of those first few hours. I have summarised them into these sentences and I think my head is saving me from reliving it over and over again, which is a blessing. 

Did I know it was coming? Earlier on that week I had a feeling and I am pretty sure I knew what was coming - something inside of me just didn't feel right any more. My first piece of advice is if you feel something act on it - trust yourself. 

Could I have prevented my heart break? No. I was in love and you see the world through rose tinted glasses, I didn't think it would happen. 

Will I ignore my head again? No. But this pain taught me a lot about myself, including that I should trust my instincts and that I maybe psychic. I can't say I recommend it but it is a good thing to learn and how you come out the other side is more important but I guess that's why I am writing these posts.

If you understand me at all then I am very sorry...but we are not alone.

The next day (this event happening on a Monday) I got up, got dressed and went to college, don't ask me how - you'll have to wait until the next post. 

Luv,

Amber xx