I am not a girl, nearly a woman...

Dear World, ooh that felt strange.

Hi everyone, it is just over one month until I hit the dizzy heights of 18, jeez that's scary to type let alone say out loud.

I am currently revising with my music on way louder than it should be, and Britney came on, all my nostalgia for my younger years when I never would of pictured studying Chaucer for a final tomorrow, I was too busy being an adorable little kid watching Postman Pat, now I watch things like Game of Thrones and Made in Chelsea, worlds away from what once was.

This is only a short post as I am going to make some lunch, I think I am going to have soup and apparently this post is just me being random lol.

What will being 18 feel like? I have no idea, but I can't wait to find out.

I hope you are all well,

Luv Amber xx♥

The difference between strong people and being strong...

Hey all, 

Recently I've been battling with the idea of being strong and like most unperfectly natural humans I'm pretty rubbish at it.

I am an emotionally driven person and once I'm battling something sad it turns into more of a crusade than a small brawl. Some days I am totally ok, and the next day a chink can find it's way into my armour and I am weakened for the foreseeable few days. 

However, overall I believe I am a strong person. I am very clear in what I want and expect and do not settle for anything less. I am also good to be leant on by other people who are struggling in their lives and I often exercise my right to reply if anything less than favourable gets suggested for me.

I am just not very good at personal attacks on my character. 

I think this is a remnant from when I was bullied, but whenever someone I know says something that directly attacks my person, it sticks (on the internet less so, as I can separate the anonymous hate stirrer from the words they write) and I replay it and it hurts. It's even worse if everyone around me says stuff like "they didn't mean it" because too me at least, they did. I do get past it eventually but I can't say I have an "I don't give a shit" dial that I can just turn on whenever someone is hurtful, I simply have to talk myself out of it and having a best friend is extremely useful (Hi Lily!), as they always remind you that at the end of the day they are words and it just doesn't matter, they will make you cry laughing so that you can forget, at least for a while, about how it hurts.

So I think you can be a strong person and absolutely suck at being strong yourself because to me there is a difference. But what do you think? Leave me a comment below if you've got any thoughts. 

All the best and lots of luv,

Amber xx♥️

Letting Go...

Dear Aphrodite,

Sometimes in life you have to just let go. I am a person who believes in second chances but if the door of that gets shut in your face, or sadly the chance is simply not there to take, the only remaining option is to let go.

Putting your heart on the line is the biggest risk you can take, which is why most people don't do it lightly, and some, sadly, don't do it at all. I want to say that it is so worth it, all of it, the falling, the just being, and when it ends, although it is the worst pain of all, I suppose if it really hurts then I guess you know it was all real.

Letting go, grieving, tears, they all are part of the same thing, but when it all gets hard you cannot wish you hadn't been in love because it is the best thing of all and you will find it again. If it wasn't the case then the world would be a very sad and lonely place, and not the beautiful place of wonder that it is.

No matter who you lose in life, or how you lose them, they will have changed you for the better and you'll of made an impact on their lives for the better too. 

This idea is summed up in the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked, when life forces two friends to live apart. I wanted to finish this post with the core part of the lyrics, just as they both realise how important they were to each other: 

[GLINDA:]
I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

[ELPHABA:]
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you'll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you...

[GLINDA:]
Because I knew you...

[BOTH:]
I have been changed for good.

All the best to all of you out there, and Aphrodite thank you,

 

Amber xx♥

lyrics from: azlyrics.com

Playing the cards life deals you...

Hello everyone, (yes I am still alive!)

I was going to write a post about heartbreak sooner but I never really feel like I am doing it justice. Basically I was recently in a relationship with someone who I really loved but now we have ended. My love is still there and the memories chase me around, making the grieving period a lot more painful. 

And however much people tell me to forget and move on, I'm struggling. This wasn't a choice I made, I can't process it and instead I have to clean up the aftermath; my broken heart which is in pieces.

One of my favourite sayings (yet I have no idea who said it) is "you have to play the cards your dealt in life". I really love card games (I have an awesome poker face) so when it comes to life I really understand this idea. 

Although eager mathematicians claim that nothing is truly random in card games - life really is. This situation is just the latest one I have been dealt, and it's a pile of crap, but I have two options: fold and cave under the weight of the negative emotions I have (the ones that lead you to try and win your ex back, while just getting your heart broken further) or, you put on your poker face and try to be strong and carry on for the sake of your sanity - you may feel like falling apart but if you hold it together when you can, you are more likely to feel together and eventually, I hope, feel better. 

I want to assure any of you that:

1. If you are also heartbroken that one you are not alone, I'm here and there are others too unfortunately.

2. When you get those days when you feel really low, let it out because you need to let the emotions happen, it's a bit of a roller coaster in the first few months as I'm finding out.

3. You will find love again, I'm sure of it, if you did love then you will again I promise.

This motto however also applies to other things like exams, job interviews, uni/college applications, family issues, everything really. You just have to face whatever you get dealt next but know that you can face it no matter what and reap the rewards of life. Remember too, well at least in my opinion, everything happens for a reason and it teaches you something and you have to carry that with you to improve your life, after all you learnt it because you needed to. 

So deal me another hand please dealer, and let me hedge my bets on that,

All the best and lots of love guys,

Amber xx♥️

I'm not changing, I'm just ageing...

Hey everyone,

So I recently turned a year older and have since been quite reflective about myself as I head out of being a teenager and ever closer to being an adult. 

While at Warwick I celebrated my birthday and a day later a new friend said to me as we parted ways, "Amber, never change who you are", to which I turned and remarked that if I have made it to the giddy age of 17 without changing then perhaps I will always stay the same. 

This thought then started a further chain of revelations about myself. I was bullied for a really long time for what can only be because I was a strong, confident and smart female, too young and unable to stand up for myself. However if I think about it, I haven't really changed my personality at all, thanks to a lot of help from my friends and my lovely parents; and although for a long time I was really down and affected by everything, I now have more metal to deal with the bad stuff and am even happier when the good stuff comes along.

So I am older, a bit more logical, and have a bit more metal, yet I am not a robot and the bad still hurts just the same  - it's now just a bit more manageable than it was before. 

I am still a nerdy, geeky, fashion crazy, ambitious, logical, lacking perfection girl with a strange sense of humour and random selection of general knowledge. I am also a loving daughter, cousin and friend, while moonlighting as a poet when life is quiet. 

But no matter what I do or where I go, I am me and no-one else. 

I hope you guys find inner strength from this, so you can be you forever.

All the best,

Amber xx

Dear Aphrodite...

Hey, 

I haven't written in this blog for a while, too long. I started this blog to answer life's questions and maybe help me answer my own.

But I'm still a single London girl and I've stopped looking for love, it's elusive but I think, well I hope, it will find me eventually.

When I set out to answer the question of love I had no set answer and I've written plenty of poems on the subject, none of which seemed to give me a solid answer yet maybe are trying to point me in the right direction, although I'll put some more of them on here if you'd like. 

Love I think is whatever you want or need it to be, I hope mine will be careful and slow yet build to a passion for each other that only the truest of lovers have and, like many girls who dream of love, it had better be real. 

I watched Sex and The City (movie) earlier on today and then Letters to Juliet and I think I could be a Carrie or a Sophie, finding love with my version of Romeo even if there is a difficult bit in between.

Carrie has always been an inspiration to me as I can't think of any single girl who has has a better yet very realistic life, apart from Bridget Jones who got to kiss Hugh Grant and Colin Firth! I also love the way her column narrates her life, as I hope my blogs do for mine. 

So I have two more AS exams and then the summer is mine, summer loving I can't predict but fun and fabulousness is a promise! 

Long live us, the vintage old style romantic souls, yet fully armed with the realists mind - or just a good mum and a sound minded best friend if we can't manage it ourselves. 

Luv,

Amber xx♥

A poem about Love...

Dear Readers,

I haven't written poetry for about three years and last night I was inspired to write again.

This is a poem about love;

Why am I up at this time of night?
Turned off the day, switched off the light,
Am staring at this big bright moon,
Whose glow is shining through the gloom.

My prince as ever waits for me,
In wind or rain, with chivalry,
The stars that twinkle up above,
All align and point to love.

I am yet to meet him though,
The tide that takes him to and fro,
One day when the time is right,
He'll stand and prepare to make this fight.

Love is a battlefield,
So they say,
A war can seem,
Like the only way.

So I will watch upon these shores,
To welcome him through open doors,
He will launch a thousand ships for me,
Some may call it an army.

But on this night,
Up above,
 The stars align,
And point to love.
 

Hope you like it,

 

Love,

 

Amber xx♥